Another Naggy Chapter!

It was not only bad through last night. In fact everynite I was undergoing nitemare!

Nightmares because of my dear dearest Amelia....Since The very day she was born, I didn't have more than 5hrs of sleep averagely everynite. I have tried to rule out all the possiblities why she wasn't sleeping when she was a newborn. I tried my very best!

Initially I thought it was my breast milk that is not sufficient for her. I fed her then with both formula and BM at the same time to keep my sanity. It didn't help. I really swear that I even pushed myself to the very edge to feed her to the last drop of my breastmilk during the first 9 weeks of her birth. I remembered vividly talking to a close friend about my struggles feeding her with breastmilk after my first 4 weeks of milk flow. Something that she said that pierced me deeply into my innermost was that she mentioned that "I asked for it!" to undergo this stress in breastfeeding. It was really hurting but it was kinda true. I was steadfast about the belief in breastfeeding even until today. My elder Amanda was into half formula n half BF. Now that she is 4.5years soon, I realised that she is very weak in her immunity and it seems that she can't take cold drinks and other sweet stuff very well because she will be very phlegmy and coughing. She seems to catch the virus from school despite that it is a non-aircon environment. Frankly I dunno if it was the main reason that I gave up feeding Amanda with BM after 4 weeks. After all the discouragements from my own mum and MIL.

I'm not blaming anybody but it was really regretful that I can't give enough. Stress is the word. Many people thought that it is every mum's dream to STAY HOME. For me, I don't regret my choice but I always think deep within if I can perform better with a different career or a different direction in this life. Because of the nitty thoughts that I have as a Mother, Wife, Daughter and a DIL makes this blog my different chapters in my life. It maybe naggy or boring to others but I hope that even when I am old and alive; I can still look back on this diary and see how much my family and I have moved or grown through these years of life.

I can only conclude that in life everything comes with a timing and a decision. I don't look back on my decision to wean Amelia of the BM because I knew it was also the best for her because she was really clingy then. I was full of stress and unhappiness during my first month of my confinement and I can sense her crankiness from my BM too. If I had a good helper and also someone to cook well for me during the critical period; I knew that I could tide it over well. Things weren't right and the timing was really bad. My helper left me after about 2 mths and I asked her to leave after 10days of my confinement. God knows that my MIL walked out of me after the 14th day. Frankly the scene of her leaving still stays strong in my memory! I wasn't upset about the absence of the helper. It was really my MIL that breaks my heart til the very beat! My mil left because she couldn't take it that I did all the household chores myself and even cook my hubby and my Amanda dinner. She can't wait to leave every evening. She really irks me. I dun understand why I still can put on a front with my hubby's family even until today. Is it because of myself or because I dun wan to put my Dh on a spot. I couldn't find an answer even until today. If I could find myself a good helper like the present one or at least a confinement lady; I wouldn't give up my breastfeeding or even give up the idea on child birth.

It wasn't because of the fear of having a difficult pregnancy or birth or even a difficult baby; it was all because of the inlaws. I can't swallow the anger and the grievances that I have even until today. I knew deep within that it was not healthy or all, but I guess only God can help me to cleanse this hatred temple of mine.

I really pray tonight that Amelia will be calm and sleeping! I dread, dread very much to hear her cry and cry unsettling each night! I am fearful to even get into sleep each night.... : -(

"Dear God, can you please take away all the evil spirits or bad dreams that my baby Amelia has and I only ask for good sleep each night. Jesus please take pity that she is only a little and innocert baby. Please enlighten me on her discomforts!" Amen.

My Scrapbook fever is back!

Oops I'm down and up again. Blog is somehow gone but now I'm up with my scrapbooking.

Hope that I can have a breakthrough and upload more this year!

My resolution for this last quarter of the year is to finish all photos up to date!

Amelia Sit up from crawling-New Milestone

Finally finally, my little lazy bum bum is sitting from her crawling position. She is beri different from Amanda. Her development is much slower and til today I still think that she is a young baby despite that she is reaching 1 years soon. Now at 10 mths+, I'm still very worried when she is sitting on her own because she would fall back.

(1) I'm trying (2)Almost

(3) She is crawling fast and there she goes, SIT UP!

Grandma's Birthday at Chinese Restaurant

Wow today we can eat a sumptuous meal! We supposed to meet at 6.30pm. As usual with the little delays here and there, we were slightly late.

Sigh! My 2ND Auntie's family was worse. They were never early and they were late! Late! Late! As per expected! We started the dinner about 7.30pm. My dear lia lia is kicking a fuss, the helper has to carry her outside even before the dinner even begin! She only slept deeply at 7.40pm and was awake about 20Min's after. Well its good to catch a wink sometimes!

Grandma still look energetic and love posing even after so many years. Altogether we celebrated her 78th Birthday! The cake don't look very nice but it is delicious. At the end, it seems that the happiest is still Amanda because she sang the loudest of all!

Amanda is excited over National Day!

She says Mummy, mummy, Singapore is 42 years old leh!

I ask her who told you? She says Ms Yee loh. She was really excited and brought home a goodie bag and a flag.

Frankly something that I'm really displeased about her this school is that they are not so flexible and creative. Most of the children in many schools celebrating National Day should be wearing White and Red to make the kids feel the atmosphere and mood for this day. The only thing the teacher commented about why not the exclusion? She merely mentioned, Oh we cannot recognise the kids! I really dun understand what does she mean by that!

The only thing that makes my this year national day really good and different is that Amanda can read numbers and she actually knew the age of her home country!

Hmm Mummy is so proud of her!

Amelia meets her first playmate, Isabelle

There was once that I brought the 2 girls to the Pd at Bukit timah. Think it is fate that I happened to meet an old neighbour from West Coast.

We exhanged no. and we meet up at Pizza hut for lunch.

Along the journey on the train, Amelia fell asleep and she only took a short nap after 40mins.

Amelia is very happy meeting her little friend for once after awaking from her short nap. She was swinging her legs with joy when I put her to sit on a high chair besides her little friend.

She didnt take another wink after. I decided to leave the place shortly after about 3.30pm. Reached home so that Amelia can take another nap. Frankly she was too young to play with her new playmate. Anyway her playmate slept shortly after lunch. So the two of them didn't get to play.

I will try to arrange for something else when she is really to socialise....

Amanda at Imm Playground

Nothing much to do today.
Decided to bring Amanda to meet Zann at the playground.

Something which I'm really happy about because Amanda is really sporting unlike Zann. Maybe she really love water unlike zann. The moment we change her with her swim wear, she just dashed to the play area. But when she saw that Zann wasn't keen and fearful to join the water play. Oh! The mood was spoilt and there goes the day.... Well well well..... I can only say that my girl is brave and she is fearless.

Bottle Tree Park

It was a sunny and cool day today! Me and my last minute decision, we decided to head to the Bottle Tree Park to catch fishes. Heard from my friend, Kylene that it was a fun place for the kids. Sigh because of that, we decided to skip one lesson of Amanda's ballet. Luckily she didn't ask why she doesn't have ballet today otherwise I have to tell a lie that there is no class today. Phew!

We packed sandwiches, claypot rice, fruits and drinks there. Planned to meet Cheryl and her family at about 12.30pm. As usual this woman is always not on time. They met us downstairs our home at 1.20pm. We set off together and reach there about 1.50pm. Along the journey, Cheryl's son Zavier fell asleep in his car seat. 妹妹's eyelids looked heavy yet she didn't fall asleep at all. Maybe she sensed her 姐姐's excitement in the car. The moment we reached there, 姐姐 shouted. Where is the pond? Where are the fishes? Kaka was more excited. She commented that the environment looked like her kampong.

The moment we reached there, I brought 姐姐 to buy the equipment for the fishes. I paid $10.00 for a unlimited time. The boss gave us a fishing net, a mini plastic tank and the fish food to collect later. Frankly I also feel abit reluctant to go into water. But I'm the mummy so must be sporting. I held Amanda and she sticked very close by my side. She doesn't want to go into water. I have to carry her and put her into the pond. She was abit fearful, kept standing on the rocks. Hahaha. 妹妹 can't fish so she was only enjoy kicking the water in the pond. After a short while of kicking, I asked Su to put her to sleep.

I was quite lousy. Tried fishing and at the end of the day, managed to catch 2 miserable fishes. Amanda managed to fish 2 too. Cheryl and Kaka managed to catch more. Zavier woke up about 3.30pm to join in the fun. He is very intelligent. Instead of fishing in the large pond, he tried to fish in Amanda's and his tank. He caught one in his net from his own little tank.

妹妹 slept after 2.30pm and she woke up before 4.00pm. She was really tired and that was really a short nap. We played for a while after she is awake. Left the place about 5pm.

It was a long ride before we settle for dinner and it was at Old Airport Rd. It was renovated and I really swear that I will not go there anymore. It was terribly jammed.

We headed for Suntec after and it was nearly 8pm then. Sigh! When is the FOX's sales gonna end? I spent another $88.00 and that actually eats into the budget for the month. I can only comfort myself that it was a good buy because it was 50% and those are all the basics tops that I'm buying for the girls.

What a tired, tired DAY! But we really had a fruitful trip today!

Budget! Budget! & Daily Time Allocation

I have finally worked out the Monthly budget & daily schedule for the current situation. Luck really sucks. After the new month of budgeting, I burnt a large hole in my pocket. Paid for GP's consultation with 姐姐 about $120 last everning. Gee! Paid $62 to the F&P guy for the faulty refrigerator. Thank God no need to change spare parts but still pay for his service to blow dry the display module. Sigh! Sometimes the harder you look into a issue, the worse the situation it becomes. But I really can't leave the issue to rot. Still got to measure the importance vs. the losses. This month's budget is really cut bcos of all these unwanted expenses. The silly GP commented that my sinus is really severe and needs anti bacterial to cure the reoccurence. There i spend about $80.00. I see how good is the medicine then.

I felt so gulity not having spent quality time as a SAHM. I did up an time allocation list for the girls and myself. Orgh! Sounds so balanced. Wait til I really work on it there and then! Cheer me on Man!

Daily Schedule Allocation:

Time for 姐姐

Worksheets- 20mins

Reading- 15mins

Free Play- 15mins

Structured work-20mins

PC- 10mins

Outdoor play- 20mins

Time for 妹妹

Massage or Yoga- 15mins

Flashcard- 10mins

PC- 5 mins

Free Play-10mins

Reading- 20mins

Outdoor play-20mins

I'm keeping my fingers crossed about this!

Amelia was under maid's care last nite

Couldn't let go fully despite the misery of waking up to pick Amelia's pacifier every nite. The freqency really kills every cells in you. I really dunno if this is what people meant by saying, 是你的命! When she was sleeping with us every nite, she will wakes up every hour after 2 am and starts to whine. Frankly, being her mum I really feel lousy because I got no idea why is she crying. Some days she could be passing gas and gets irritatable, some days I dunno why is she so grumpy. Even with my cruddle and rocking, she can still cry and whine! Is it me? or is it the house or the room? Until today, I don't have the keys to her cries and whining.God are you there? I'm breaking down. Is it because she sense and feel my impatience and frustrations?

I fixed the baby monitor in the helper's room so that I can hear妹妹's cryings. Do you know, Gracious! She really didn't really cry and even if its that, it wasn't long and no issue of unsettlement. WHY? WHY? WHY? Is there anything that I did wrong and now the kids are here to make my life really difficult? If you really know what happened to them then trying to mend it the right way that will not put me into this frustration.

Since the day of her birth til today, my prayers still seemed unanswered! I'm very upset and wondered if there is anything I could really do to atone for all these. I remembered my friend, Pris did mentioned before that we are already very lucky and blessed to have a normal baby than the less fortunate. This makes me thankful for this fact.

Meimei is 10mths today

This morning, Daddy and I was at the breakfast table before Jiejie wakes up. I was so upset with meimei because she was crying the whole of last night. Couldnt even settle down to watch the HG drama that I'm racing for. Sigh! Is it the fengshui of the house? Or she is really unwell bcos of the teething or her blocked nose!

I talked to Meimei. Wat happen to u? Y aren't u sleeping thru the nite? Do you know that Papa & Mummy cant sleep bcos of you in the night. She actually pretend to look away and look at Papa when I reprimand her. When daddy talks to her, she looks at me pretending likewise. This girl is really cheeky. When both of us raise our volume at her, she soured up and starts to whimper. She seems like a monster. She can awakes every 15Min's the moment her pacifier drops. Shouldn't have introduced the dummy in the first place, i thought. If weren't for the pacifier, I wouldn't have come this far. Nobody has any idea what I have gone through during Meimei younger days. I do not have anybody to help me with housework, baby care and every breathe of air in this house. I was all alone after the 10th day of Meimei's birth. My so called third helper left me after 5 days of work. She is a lunatic, dun wan to talk about her. My luck really sucks when FDW is concerned. After 1 week of search, managed to find No.4 to work; a transfer FDW. Didn't worked out after 2 moths plus. After 3 moths of struggle w/o help. I finally realised that nobody is a super woman. Neither can I or God!

The pacifier was introduced for a very good reason. That is sticking it into Meimei mouth and sandwiched her with the secure bolster to sleep w/o any any form of comfort. No cuddle, no rocking! Only kisses on the cheeks and forehead. Meimei was then only 5 mths plus. I can still remembered that I was helpless. Raced down to bring Da to take school bus in the morning while leaving Meimei at home and many occasions leaving Meimei to sleep alone when Da comes home from school. I dont have a choice. There wasnt another soul at home helping. Juggle between housework and kids. I worked til about 1 am everyday. I ask myself, why? why? why? why my kids are so tough?? I really dun have a choice! Thank God that they are still healthy and happy.

I pray and pray one day that she can settle down and sleep through the night. No more non sense. I really hate the feeling that things are not under control.

Wed!

Daddy is sick. Came home early to take a nap about 5pm. Meimei is getting cranky today. Didnt really nap as long as past days. Maybe the flu medicine is not getting efffective already. While Su put meimei to sleep about 5pm. I told Jiejie to play on the PC.
http://www.starfall.com/

I taught her to play on the phonics EN... She played once and she knew how to match HEN,MEN,PEN.... Think I really need to think about how to teach her in a way appealing to her character. When I click on the page that I ask her to try to play. She is angry and doesnt want to listen even. Sigh! How to teach her like this?? Initially I wanted to go for the Phonics adult workshop. I think I shouldnt waste time. This girl doesnt want to be taught in an orderly manner. At least now that she is older, she still has her own initiative to grab a piece of paper to write her own name, her sister's and also A to Z. The alp is quite hard to make up becuase she couldnt really write A to Z just yet. I'm already very happy with her bcos she is hardly 4.5years.

This really pushes me to find out more materials to teach her in a way appealing to her. I really cannot be a perfect or super mum. The time I have for Jiejie, I cannot balance up my time for Meimei. Maybe I really need to write a daily schedule so that I can be fair with my 2 girls. This is the reason why I quit my job for.

Gave Meimei some ice-cream to try. Hmm the minty type. You should see her expression, so funny!

After dinner, Amanda throws tantrums. She wanted something which I dont wan to give her. She kicked the things around. I really got no idea where did she learn this from! I threaten her that if she tries again, I will put a chair for her to sit outside. She is quite fearful! She stopped after. Parenting is really tough! It is a long learning process!