It was not only bad through last night. In fact everynite I was undergoing nitemare!
Nightmares because of my dear dearest Amelia....Since The very day she was born, I didn't have more than 5hrs of sleep averagely everynite. I have tried to rule out all the possiblities why she wasn't sleeping when she was a newborn. I tried my very best!
Initially I thought it was my breast milk that is not sufficient for her. I fed her then with both formula and BM at the same time to keep my sanity. It didn't help. I really swear that I even pushed myself to the very edge to feed her to the last drop of my breastmilk during the first 9 weeks of her birth. I remembered vividly talking to a close friend about my struggles feeding her with breastmilk after my first 4 weeks of milk flow. Something that she said that pierced me deeply into my innermost was that she mentioned that "I asked for it!" to undergo this stress in breastfeeding. It was really hurting but it was kinda true. I was steadfast about the belief in breastfeeding even until today. My elder Amanda was into half formula n half BF. Now that she is 4.5years soon, I realised that she is very weak in her immunity and it seems that she can't take cold drinks and other sweet stuff very well because she will be very phlegmy and coughing. She seems to catch the virus from school despite that it is a non-aircon environment. Frankly I dunno if it was the main reason that I gave up feeding Amanda with BM after 4 weeks. After all the discouragements from my own mum and MIL.
I'm not blaming anybody but it was really regretful that I can't give enough. Stress is the word. Many people thought that it is every mum's dream to STAY HOME. For me, I don't regret my choice but I always think deep within if I can perform better with a different career or a different direction in this life. Because of the nitty thoughts that I have as a Mother, Wife, Daughter and a DIL makes this blog my different chapters in my life. It maybe naggy or boring to others but I hope that even when I am old and alive; I can still look back on this diary and see how much my family and I have moved or grown through these years of life.
I can only conclude that in life everything comes with a timing and a decision. I don't look back on my decision to wean Amelia of the BM because I knew it was also the best for her because she was really clingy then. I was full of stress and unhappiness during my first month of my confinement and I can sense her crankiness from my BM too. If I had a good helper and also someone to cook well for me during the critical period; I knew that I could tide it over well. Things weren't right and the timing was really bad. My helper left me after about 2 mths and I asked her to leave after 10days of my confinement. God knows that my MIL walked out of me after the 14th day. Frankly the scene of her leaving still stays strong in my memory! I wasn't upset about the absence of the helper. It was really my MIL that breaks my heart til the very beat! My mil left because she couldn't take it that I did all the household chores myself and even cook my hubby and my Amanda dinner. She can't wait to leave every evening. She really irks me. I dun understand why I still can put on a front with my hubby's family even until today. Is it because of myself or because I dun wan to put my Dh on a spot. I couldn't find an answer even until today. If I could find myself a good helper like the present one or at least a confinement lady; I wouldn't give up my breastfeeding or even give up the idea on child birth.
It wasn't because of the fear of having a difficult pregnancy or birth or even a difficult baby; it was all because of the inlaws. I can't swallow the anger and the grievances that I have even until today. I knew deep within that it was not healthy or all, but I guess only God can help me to cleanse this hatred temple of mine.
I really pray tonight that Amelia will be calm and sleeping! I dread, dread very much to hear her cry and cry unsettling each night! I am fearful to even get into sleep each night.... : -(
"Dear God, can you please take away all the evil spirits or bad dreams that my baby Amelia has and I only ask for good sleep each night. Jesus please take pity that she is only a little and innocert baby. Please enlighten me on her discomforts!" Amen.
