Excited to meet Alison for a short dinner. Appointment was changed to 7pm instead of the planned 6pm.
She was waiting for me at the void deck with Amanda. She is 8months into her pregnancy now and I'm really happy to see another close friend of mine, preggie. Despite that we hardly meet up, I'm still the same chatterbox. Now we have more topics because I know I won't bore her. I feel closer to her compared to before.
I'm usually the more cautious type of person. Sometimes over cautious that made me so miserable watching my words and other people's feelings and blab blab blab. Through these years as a SA HM, I feel I changed a lot. Changed in a different perspective. I feel that it is good in a certain sense. I learnt to set my priorities for my own family and my 2 princesses. I learned not to be over-sensitive and set my own principles.
Recently I started on a new book; Bad Childhood, Good Life. I'm about 2 chapters through. The revelation is that we can choose to be conquerors to our bad childhood or victims. My childhood is not as drastic compared to some but I would say it has somehow traumatized me to shape my personality. Those whom know me would have heard my stories. Til today, I still have stories about my family members but they have little impact on my life now because I live the way I wanted it to be. I didn't read this book before to jump out of the family situation. It's my marriage.
I was too sick, too tired to live with a dad who doesn't care about the family, a younger brother whom always create problems for others to solve and a mother whom likes to point her finger over my brother's wrong doings. I decided to get married; earlier than many of my closer friends.
I was blessed. Blessed to be led by the right group of friends during school days and blessed to have Jesus Christ whom stand steadfast during my younger days. I was a timid girl and always fearful to even stand up for my own rights when I was younger. It was Jesus Christ who gave me strength to pull through. I remembered vividly when nobody is at home for my bro and me. Whenever I was lonely and scared, I will hide under my blanket and cry.
My childhood shapes my perspective as a mother. I really don't wish my girls to have the same experience. I want them to be closely kneaded as a family and close to my heart always; til my last breath. I am always envious whenever I hear or see people with their happy family. Within me I know this is not a gift, it is all earned. I choose to get married and have my own family. I should always be contented with what I have. I would not do anything to jeopardise my family happiness and marriage. This man may not be the dream man of my life. But I deeply know that he is a good and responsible daddy for the girls. He cares to give them the best he can. Sounds materialistic but I know deep within that this is something that my own daddy cannot provides that leaves my mum and the family unhappy and fighting even til today. Nothing seems to bring this family back ever again. I feel the bitterness and the tears welled in my eyes when I say this. Nobody seems to care about anybody and everyone in the family seems to only care about themselves. This is something I pray with all my might and strength that this WOULD NEVER HAPPEN to my girls. I always tell Amanda that she may only have one sibling in her this life and she must love her sister. It may sounds too early to teach about Blood is thicker than water but I want to make her remember the day she lives. SIGH! What am I doing then? Why am I not helping my younger brother when he needs monetary support all the time? How can I help all the time I ask myself? Gave him $450 for his audacious 2ND remarry ROM only 2 weeks ago and he can still sms Nam for money again today. How to help??? How to tell my girls to stay kneaded when I dun help him when he needed help??? I really hope that this book I'm reading can enlighten me somehow.
I can only praise God that I can still meet this responsible man whom gives me the "luxury" to stay home. Frankly it is not that I'm lazy to work or I can't earn. It is because of my childhood that determined my decision staying home since 3 June 2005. I really don't want my girls to grow up without feeling complete or spiritual developed. I want to teach them the values of life that I hold steadfast and the principles that I held tight. I would do every way to hold this family closely kneaded. The more pressure I give to myself, the more stressed I become.
Whatever it is, I'm really thankful that He is a very kind hearted, responsible and easy-going and good tempered guy til today. He is the one who never fears despite of all the family problems I have. He never complains and never compares. Many of the times I think he just doesn't care or he has no benchmark for his expectations. But have I really appreciated that this is his strength? Is this why the marriage can last til today despite of my bad temper and bad childhood? Can this marriage still remains if this is another man?? I really got no idea... I only know that we must NEVER, NEVER TAKE anything for granted. Treasure everything slightest~! I'm reminding myself too each day! I think I really have to make this family strong. First and foremost, this marriage- the pillar to the family. I can't do this alone all the time. I hope that if my dh ever reads my blog. Please try to understand that this can never never be held alone.
SO much of digressing, I saw Alison who is 8mths into her pregnancy. She still looks like before on her face. Put abit of weight but I think she will not put on too much at the end of her pregnancy. Regretfully didn't take a photo together with her. Very glad to meet her, appreciated that she travelled to Jurong East to meet me. Guess it might be tougher once she have kids next time. I will try my best to keep in touch with friends. But sometimes it is very tough to meet up with friends after their work because my Amanda don't seem to be able to part with me at all. Sigh! Good or bad? I should treasure because she may outgrow this one day. Bad because I lost my freedom to meet with friends whom dun need my dd's presence. Amanda seems to enjoy the dinner with Alison.
Ally, let's keep in touch always. Hope that I can arrange for another with Elaine before Ally goes into delivery.
