Today is a long day for me. Woke up early and pulled Amanda out of bed. She was thrilled when she heard that we are going out to meet her good friend, Rachel. Nam drove us there to Jurong Point Mcdonald.
It wasn't a good day today and Amanda. She slept terribly late at 12midnite and she was grumpy since morning. She picked up a roar with Rachel and I have to threatened to leave McDonald the moment I sat down.I heard that she was quarreling over the slightest thing and also fought over sticks of straw she took.
Series of incidents that made me really angry. Her stubborness and the way she talked back is something that I can never tolerated. Parenthood is really tough and being a "stayed home mum" is worse bcos it really breaks my heart seeing the way she behave. I really prayed that God will mold her. The moment she stepped home, she started to bargain and grumbled and dont want to shower. It pissed me further. I stormed to the kitchen and grabbed my cane. Instantly when she saw me opened the door with the cane, she tried to snatched my cane. It makes my blood boils even hotter! She whined so hard and plead for me not to cane her. Without much consideration, I whipped her. After all the hoo-ha, she was too embarassed to walk out of her bedroom bcos her friend was in our home. I was disappointed that after the whipping, she didnt get my point why I caned her. I really lack the consistency in my disciplinary. Alas!
At night I put Amelia to sleep. She was moving about on her pillow bcos she was so used sleeping on her sides. I lifted her up from her pillow and wanted to place her on her tummy. I almost choke her using my hands to adjust her head to face the pillow. I cried! I plead her not to do that! Her head seems so heavy even for my hands to hold her chin to adjust her head! I ask God! Why God! Why God takes all her learned ability away??? Why God allow it to happen?? God are you really there?? Why God?? Why?? I'm too broken for words. The pain pierced like a knife right through my heart! Many times when I see children bound with special needs and sickness. I felt really, really heartache. I knew that parents with normal kids will never feel the same. Some things are just not meant to be. Maybe this marriage is not meant to be, maybe the kids are not meant to be mine??? Why Wen?? Why are you allowing all the battling of negative thoughts to dwell in your mind?? Frankly I havent been feeling so, so, so, so heartached for Amelia's issue for a long long time.
If God hasnt been watching me and Amelia and the family. Perhaps things would have been worst but why God chooses Amelia to go through all this sufferings.
She was able to turn, now not anymore.
She was able to lift her head when she was barely 4 weeks, now not anymore.
She was able to coo coo now not anymore.
She was able to laugh loudly and now not anymore.
She was able to lie on her tummy and lift her head up, now not anymore.
She was able to sit up and now not anymore.
She was able to crawl and now not anymore.
She was able to call JieJie and Papa and now not anymore.
She was able to support to stand and now not anymore.
I knew that she was frustrated and she is more upset than anyone! Nobody knew why it happened.
The last test that was closest to her symptons- Retts sydrome! I thank God that it is not Retts sydrome. But what can her condition be?? I am scared, really, really scared that she will lose her basic abilities. People might ask why do you still want go through all the tests when you believe in God restoring her. But Im really scared... She only knew the basic functions as a person that is breathe, eating her blended food and sleep. And I knew that thest basic functions she also find difficulty. Why God??? Why???
Dear God,
I knew that those thoughts are not meant to be. My flesh is weak and the evil one is strong. God guard my heart and my thoughts. God helped me to pull through my times of weakness and advsersity. I reject every negative thoughts and self-pity in the name of Jesus! God I pray that U sanctify my heart and my mind. Teach me to walk in the light of U and every breathe that I take. Restore Amelia! This is my greatest prayer and cry always. God I pray that you make Amelia cheerful and happy!
In Jesus Name I pray, Amen!
