Outbreak of tears

Today is a long day for me. Woke up early and pulled Amanda out of bed. She was thrilled when she heard that we are going out to meet her good friend, Rachel. Nam drove us there to Jurong Point Mcdonald.

It wasn't a good day today and Amanda. She slept terribly late at 12midnite and she was grumpy since morning. She picked up a roar with Rachel and I have to threatened to leave McDonald the moment I sat down.I heard that she was quarreling over the slightest thing and also fought over sticks of straw she took.

Series of incidents that made me really angry. Her stubborness and the way she talked back is something that I can never tolerated. Parenthood is really tough and being a "stayed home mum" is worse bcos it really breaks my heart seeing the way she behave. I really prayed that God will mold her. The moment she stepped home, she started to bargain and grumbled and dont want to shower. It pissed me further. I stormed to the kitchen and grabbed my cane. Instantly when she saw me opened the door with the cane, she tried to snatched my cane. It makes my blood boils even hotter! She whined so hard and plead for me not to cane her. Without much consideration, I whipped her. After all the hoo-ha, she was too embarassed to walk out of her bedroom bcos her friend was in our home. I was disappointed that after the whipping, she didnt get my point why I caned her. I really lack the consistency in my disciplinary. Alas!

At night I put Amelia to sleep. She was moving about on her pillow bcos she was so used sleeping on her sides. I lifted her up from her pillow and wanted to place her on her tummy. I almost choke her using my hands to adjust her head to face the pillow. I cried! I plead her not to do that! Her head seems so heavy even for my hands to hold her chin to adjust her head! I ask God! Why God! Why God takes all her learned ability away??? Why God allow it to happen?? God are you really there?? Why God?? Why?? I'm too broken for words. The pain pierced like a knife right through my heart! Many times when I see children bound with special needs and sickness. I felt really, really heartache. I knew that parents with normal kids will never feel the same. Some things are just not meant to be. Maybe this marriage is not meant to be, maybe the kids are not meant to be mine??? Why Wen?? Why are you allowing all the battling of negative thoughts to dwell in your mind?? Frankly I havent been feeling so, so, so, so heartached for Amelia's issue for a long long time.

If God hasnt been watching me and Amelia and the family. Perhaps things would have been worst but why God chooses Amelia to go through all this sufferings.

She was able to turn, now not anymore.

She was able to lift her head when she was barely 4 weeks, now not anymore.

She was able to coo coo now not anymore.

She was able to laugh loudly and now not anymore.

She was able to lie on her tummy and lift her head up, now not anymore.

She was able to sit up and now not anymore.

She was able to crawl and now not anymore.

She was able to call JieJie and Papa and now not anymore.

She was able to support to stand and now not anymore.

I knew that she was frustrated and she is more upset than anyone! Nobody knew why it happened.

The last test that was closest to her symptons- Retts sydrome! I thank God that it is not Retts sydrome. But what can her condition be?? I am scared, really, really scared that she will lose her basic abilities. People might ask why do you still want go through all the tests when you believe in God restoring her. But Im really scared... She only knew the basic functions as a person that is breathe, eating her blended food and sleep. And I knew that thest basic functions she also find difficulty. Why God??? Why???

Dear God,

I knew that those thoughts are not meant to be. My flesh is weak and the evil one is strong. God guard my heart and my thoughts. God helped me to pull through my times of weakness and advsersity. I reject every negative thoughts and self-pity in the name of Jesus! God I pray that U sanctify my heart and my mind. Teach me to walk in the light of U and every breathe that I take. Restore Amelia! This is my greatest prayer and cry always. God I pray that you make Amelia cheerful and happy!

In Jesus Name I pray, Amen!

Genting twice this year!

Went wif the boys, mum, sil and my family from 12 Dec- 14 Dec

will upload photos soon.

Went KKH to get Amelia test results

Thank God that the test results is negative for retts sydrome

The genetician sugguested that she would want to pursue only 2 more tests for her and will not want to take anymore tests.

Frankly what I want is cure for Amelia not diagnosis.

What we want is restoration to what she has acheived as a baby!

New thoughts about Blogging

Think I better have more positive thoughts about blogging!
Ultimately blogging not only meant to record thoughts. It is also record moments and things happening part and parcel of life!

I felt bored reading my past blogs too!

I was stirred by my friend, Shellen to register both my thoughts and moments in life. Check her out http://keepsakes.blogspot.com/
(3 cheers for Shellen!) Yipyip horray!

I keep my fingers crossed to bring my Sony camera whenever I go and also to download every single day!

Hahaha! Check me out soon!

Meaning of Playground

Brought Amanda down as usual to take her school bus. As we are still early, decided to bring Amelia down too. She was sitting in the stroller and I have to sing them nursery songs and pushed Amelia round and round. The typical Chinese song, " FInding a friend song".

Back in my mind Im tinking wat will happen if Amelia still stay not walking and Amanda is not happy or thrilled with this type of playing anymore??? Holding my tears deep within me! Negative thoughts been hounding me day in day out! What if Amanda grows older and realised that it is not fun having a sister siting all day and not chasing her?

After Amanda got up the bus, I pushed Amelia to the playground.

To any normal active kid, a playground is someplace fun! There is never one normal growing kid that dun like playing. I never think about the meaning of having a playground until whenever I bring Amelia to the playground.

I always hoped that there aint anybody around. It is not that I dont want Amelia to have some kids to socialise. The issue is that people tend to wonder and the look in their eyes make me slightly upset. Some even asked about how old is she and lots more. I think it is really getting more challenged as she gets older.

I carried her her. Slide her down and kept teaching her about colors. Her look really stared blankly into my eyes. Im really depressed. There wasnt any trace of excitement.

I held her closer to the stairs nearing the slide. She used to be able to lift her feet up the stairs with my hand supporting her arms. Now not anymore. It really teaches me one thing in life, we must never take anything for granted.

This playground can never be a play until Amelia can understand that she needs play in her life. I never felt so lousy going to a playground. I can never give up! If I cant be bothered with her, who else would! I felt really really sad! I pray that she can find Play as a joy and as a God sent "Job" for any developing child!

We stopped Amelia's detoxification course of medication

Skeptical! Skeptical! Skeptical!

Remember the so called nutirition specialist about the help sugguested the lady that sells niche stuff for thrapy of a well being of a kid? Yes we seek help. We are so desperate!

Nobody will understand the anxiety and desperation within us other than our God Emmanuel.

We spent about more than $500 for the 2 weeks of supplements. The Dr concluded that there is help bcos the lab results shows that Amelia has high levels of toxics in her body. I really cant reckon why is this high levl in her given the exposure in a normal setting and in Singapore. We dont live in highly polluted environment in Singapore. How to get this high lead level of poisoning???

My normal intution tells me that we shouldnt put the poor girl in the risk of taking any supplements that didnt labelled safe for a child consumption. I stopped the whole course of supplements. Only continued with Omega 3, digestive enzymes for digestion and the good bacteria for her antibodies.

New Treatment???

By chance I got to know this lady from a niche business. She is a distributor in Singapore marketing a range of products useful for the special needs children; helping them in terms of speech and also other areas of a child's development. Something that I learnt from these 2 ladies of the business is that despite that they also have their own issues back at home. She has a down sydrome daughter and with their background about their kids, they bless others by finding out about the needs of the special kids. Her name is P***. Sometime back when Amelia has arising issues she did recommended me to see a naturopath. She mentioned that her daughters used to have medical needs that cannot be addressed or diagnosd by the doctor but was hopeful after consulting this doctor.

I was skeptical. Frankly I can share the details of the clinic or much more if I am really thousand times confident that this is gonna work but I am really puzzled why there are some things that cant be concluded by the trained doctors.

I decided to seek the naturopath's help after much barking from Nam and my closest friend. Both of them or rather people around me asked me to seek 2nd opinion. I dont want to seek doesnt mean I dont care. I really pray that God will address the root of the problem but I know I cant force God on His will! I have been praying over this. I told God that if it is His will that the doctor can help then open that door!

10 July I went to see this doctor called S**. He doesnt look very "doctor" or hmm I thought very experienced. But guess we are always taught never to judge "a book by its cover". After much discussion and consultation, Nam and I felt that he was quite enthical in his professions that he don't seem to be out to earn our money. According to him, he will not pursue any case that he has no experience or exposure in. Initially he wanted to give up on Amelia's case because he mentioned about the tests that he wants to order but I had them most done in the hospital and the only abnormal piece of test result is only from the MRI.

The strange issue that emerged before we leave the clinic is that I highlighted that recent 2 days before the consultation; Amelia has this terrible bad breathe that smelt so much like rubbish bin. He was giggling; He looked hopeful to Amelia's problem. He wanted her to do a Hair analysis test and urine test that will check for metals or nutrients that she might be lacking.

11 July, managed to get urine from Amelia with planned effort. I have to put her without diapers and for a little girl like her is really tough. She doesnt know how to communicate and I have to carry her for the whole 1 hour with her panties on and sat in the bathroom to collect her urine. Thank God for the urine collected prior to 2 hours before she gulped down about more than 120ml of water. She actually poo and pee at the same time when I held and sat with her in the bathroom. I was worried that there might be stool in the urine that might not be accurate. Nam sent the urine and the result was released on the very day. There is some moderate concern about her leaky gut. What is leaky gut???

Managed to find out the simple terms:

What is Leaky Gut Syndrome - LGS?
Leaky Gut Syndrome - LGS is a possibly unpleasant sounding name but it describes a gut which is inflamed and has got very porous, (much more porous than it should be), and it is letting large food proteins, bacteria, fungi, metals and toxic substances straight into our blood stream or in more scientific language, an increase in permeability of the intestinal mucosa to luminal macromolecules, antigens and toxins associated with inflammatory degenerative and/or atrophic mucosal damage. Once in the blood stream our immune system is the last line of defense to deal with these substances and it will eventually get overwhelmed if a Leaky Gut is not rectified. While there is no quick cure for Leaky Gut, there are many things that can be done to start healing Leaky Gut Syndrome and eventually regain a normal gut.

I really dont know if these are all the findings that made Amelia been bloated and fart each time she sleeps. She will cry each time she fart or even so constispated that she seems to be battling sometimes and these are the issues that I brought up to doctors but they all think that it is not a issue!

Doctor S** suggested a series of supplements and a B blood type diet to follow. The hair analysis is gonna take another 3 weeks for the results

This is for Ah Jen and myself!

I have been keeping my fingers crossed that I should update my blog! But think it is really different and difficult comparing to the days 2 years ago when I set into the office and the first thing I ever do is to switch on my PC after placing my bag in my cabinet next to me.

Life for me now is really mandate and days seems to be so fast-rapiding that weekdays seems weekends and everyday seems to be so precious and so short!

Why I titled this as that bcos I really pray that I will never forget and jeopardise the Goodness of our God and HE is indeed my everything.

Losing tracks of the past months of issues on Amelia is really a bad trace! But I really look back and feel that it is really worth searching how GOD answers prayers and HE really has His own timing to everything!

FEB 2008- I brought Amelia to see a PD regarding her issues that she seems to worsen each day after the tuina session that I brought her. Was advised by the PD that her condition dont seems to be normal and need to get referral from the Polyclinc to get series of tests at KK hopsital for a subsidized rates. The date given to see a doctor is end of APR.

MAR 2008- Couldnt wait anymore because her condtion seems to worsen with cries ervyday even when she is awake and with someone besides her.

The PD sugguested to see a Neurologist regarding her condition in NUH instead. Thank God the PD managed to get a nearer day comparing to the appointment given at KK on 27 APR instead of 2 APR.

2 APR- The first appointment with the NUH Neurologist. He also thinks that Amelia case dont seems to be normal and orders a series of blood test and urine tests for Amelia. He arranges for an EEG to be done to check for seizures in Amelia becos of Amelia's 8-10 times awaking episodes at her night sleep on 16 Apr.

16 APR- 2ND Appt. EEG done at 830am. I was really worried that Amelia will not fall asleep naturally for the smooth EEG test. Thank God for His grace; Amelia sleep naturally and she managed to get a smooth test.

EEG result- no seizure but Amelia's brain is more like a 6mths bb than her rightful age of 18mths.

Blood test result not right; found to have ammonia in her blood. Normal range should be below 30+. Amelia 's result was 70+.

Doctor sugguested for another series of blood test on Amelia.

2 May- 3rd Appt. The neurologist arranged for us to see the geneticist together. Both of them agreed on same grounds that we should go for the ammonia bood test again to confirm that if it is ammonia that is causing her lower part of her body to be so weak and cant even sit. Ammonia is formed bcos of low metalbolism and causing protein digestion to be poor and ammonia forms in the body. Result of ammonia- irritable, legthargic.

Both doctors agreed on same grounds that Amelia has to go for hospital stay to do a "challenge test" if her blood test is found negative and also another MRI.

I been fervently praying that if the tests are all not from God. He will take them all away. Thank God that He really works in ways that we cannot see. I weep each time when I see how the nurses draw blood from her until her hands are bruised. I cannot describe the pain likened to having a knife cutting through my heart! I will always pushes Nam to carry and hold Amelia when the nurses taking blood bcos I really cant bear to hear her cry and sob so badly. I pray to God that the tests will not bruise her anymore. Thank God that this time, her hands are not bruise slightly! Not a single trace of the needle prick. I knew that It was God! It was Jesus that held her through!

Less than a week, the test results were released. The level plunged all the way down to 40+ and the level is acceptable for the doctors at her age.

Any normal person will see this as a miracle bcos within a short period of time of 3 weeks will not bring this level of blood test down if Amelia really have low metalbolism problems!

God hears my every cry; the initial plan of putting her for another test called the challenged test was taken away by God! For unseen reasons, both doctors just concluded that her metalbolism is acceptable and miraclely they dont need her to do through the challenge. The genetician ordered another test for Neuro-degenerative diseases. This seems to be the most scary test and this is also one that my faith has be tested through fire! Doc wants to know why there is such a sudden regression in her; if found to be positive; her condition will worsen day by day until she loses everything!

16 May- the blood test for degenerative diseases was conducted without hospital admission.

26 May- Amelia was admitted for MRI. I was praying that ervything done by God's will come smooth .

28 May- Doc called and explained that her MRI is not normal for her dvelopemnt and age.

30 May- Thank God that her MRI done in Dec 2006 comparing as present. There is no abnormal changes comparing to the previous MRI done when she was 14mths! And it is both good news and bad news. Good news that there seems to have lower chances of degeneration. Bad news is that ideally the report should show her current stage.

10 June- I was already walking in great faith that the blood test will not show any signs that is not from GOD! AMEN! The blood test cleared! She dont have any genetic issues leading to degeneration diseases. Doc only detected her with CP! He also commented that Amelia looks much much happier and alert now comparing to months before! CP will improve over time. Only therapy will help her at the moment.

I reject this Cerebral Palsy in Jesus name, AMEN!

I truly, deeply and madly believe that God is Great! He never forgets me at any point of time in my life and I know that I will never let HIM go ever, ever again! He will never puts us through tests that we cant handle. It is just the amount of Faith to believe in Him and only by trusting HIS Word and only PRAYER changes everything!

HE IS the same yesterday, today and tomarrow!

I just pray that Amelia is happy and healthy each day!

*** Above is only a summary of the agenda to Amelia medical history and condtions.***

Medical Updates about Amelia

God has opened a door! A door for Amelia situation. It has been a cry in my heart.



2 APril- Doctor at NUH did a blood test

16 April- Doctor found Ammonia in Amelia's blood. Normal range is 0-39. Ameilia case is 70+. Doctor wants to perform further tests to confirm the existence of Ammonia



Effects of Ammonia in blood= Problems in Metalbolism and it will causes lethargy and irritation. It might also cause mental retardation.



2 May- Doctor Ong wanted me to see the Genetician for further understanding of Amelia case

Doctor did further blood tests to reaffirm the situation

God really works in way that we cannot see! The range dropped from 70+ to 40+! Praise the Lord! I really thank God!

Went to see Dora the Explorer with the girls

Very first time that the girls go for a kids show together.

Thank God for the free tickets given by one of my friend Joanne.



Despite of some minor hiccups created my Amelia like the screaming and shouting. She actually enjoyed the show and everything seems to be under God's control though.

Amanda kinda of complained;

"Mummy I don't like this Dora."

Mummy: Y not darling.

Amanda: It's not real

Mummy: Y not real, its by a person right?

Amanda: When I was younger, the Dora I saw was dressed. This is not!

Mummy: Yah that looked better. Do you still like it?

Amanda: yes mummy



You can imagined how kids would remember events that happened that we thought they dont.

The Dora whom was dressed was many many months back when she was about nearly 4 years old. I regreted that I din treaasure the moments how Amanda grown.



I was too soaked with Amelia's issue. I need to start doing it before I miss her Growing episodes.

First Service to Emmanuel Church at Chevron

This is the first sunday service that I have attended after so many years. It has been more than 15years I last attended a sunday service.

It is reallly a small congregation. About less than 80 people. I dont want to church shop or hop. I want to serve God in His will. If this is the way He wanted me to move. I would!

I been praying that God's calling be defined in my life!

I pray that I would cast all my fears to Him and not focus on my current situation!

Praise the Lord!

1st appt with the replaced PT for Amelia at 2pm

When I entered the therapist premises, I was put off by the funny smell they had. I don't know what is that! There comes a lady wearing spectacles. Controlling my judgement at first instance, I tried to be a little tough indicating that I do not wish to repeat Amelia's case since I have spoken to her boss previously.

She was a little taken back and further explained that she merely wants to confirm the situation. She proceed to work on Amelia earnestly despite Amelia's difficult reactions given to her. I was touched, it seems that God is enlightening me. The "difficult" me left, giving her a greater room for working on Amelia. Surprisingly, the difference that she made was that she did not rest for a single moment during the 1hr session. She pushed Amelia to the edge, stretching her to her limits. Concluding that Amelia is really soft at her trunks that hinders her from standing. She suggested ways to help Amelia to strengthen at home. I was skeptical about the impact that a session that can make differences. Nevertheless, I left the office with a worrisome and heavy heart. As I was walking to the bus stop home, I saronged Amelia. Whispered encouraging words to her ears and told her to try at her own pace. I was kinda teary! Only God knows how I deeply felt!

I pray, pray for Miracles each day! He must have opened the door for Amelia to this new therapist comparing the previous. I anticipate the improvements and the changes day by day.

Found a replacement Physiotherapist for Amelia

I have been beri beri lost because Amelia is still not walking at 16mths plus. I do not have the slightest clue from the PD or from anybody at all.
I was surfing the web regarding help for Amelia. I found this company KR. Called up the company and arranged for a PT session. I do not know if this might the best. Apparently the owner of the company seems to be beri encourgaing and I decided to give her a chance to work on Amelia. The appointment is on 20 Feb 2008.

Amanda Milestone Vs. Amelia

Another episode of venting frustrations! Today is Amanda's 1st lesson of the year of Chinese enrichment at Berries. After class we went to Jeanie's Home for dinner so that my girls can interact with her kids.

After dinner at her home, we reached home about 8.30pm. Suppose to follow as the daily routines that Amanda has to sleep before 9.30pm beause she is in the morning class for her K1 this year. She is no longer with CP. She is now with EM that I feel it is beneficial for her current development. I laid the girls to sleep at about 9pm after the supper. But the frustrations is that Amelia dont seem to be able to get into sleep! She kept taking her tutu out and cries non-stop. Because of this reason, Amanda is not able to sleep in the same room. She is upset too. 9.45pm already! Amelia still dont give up yelling in tears! I brought her into the other room hopefully that she will give up crying. She didnt stop! About 5 mins later my maid knocked on the room door and saying that Amanda does not wan to sleep either! I was frustrated! I stormed out of the room and left Amelia in the play yard! I stormed again into where Amanda was sleeping. I reprimaded her and questioned her what she wanted when Amelia is also giving me a bad time. She cried and says that she want me to stay with her. I was telling her in contained tears that she loves me and should know that it is also my responsiblity to take care of Amelia even through the bad times!

The thing that makes me love my elder girl so much is that she hug me and kissed me! I feel that I have really missed penning down her milestone. To others, this hug is normal. To me it really means that my Amanda is mature now! I'm so happy for her that she knows how to care about other people's feelings and she is also very understanding. She never insists that the maid should take care of Amelia and she even requested Amelia to sleep with us on alternating nites despite that she knew that Amelia will not sleep throughout the night! We should always look at the little things that can make us happy and appreciative. I really want to treasure her moments over the slightest thing! Her precious hug!

After the hug, I whispered in her ears that I am mad because if she doesnt sleep early and we got to bear with Amelia for the night. I am worried that she dont have enough rest to have concentration to learn in school. Alas! Alas! When will Amelia's 10 times averagely throughout the night?

I recorded an episode of her hair pulling terror and my wrangling with her. I promised to upload it when I am more alert. I'm really really sleepy and tired now after my battle.

I broke down in tears and prayed to God after finally that she slept. I remembered that there is one verse in the bible that says that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST WHOM STRENGTHENS ME!

I am blessed! I am blessed by God that he hasnt forgotten me. I remembered asking my hubby why he never accepted Christ despite that he went to church during his younger years. His reason given was, maybe he never have needs like me!

It strikes me instantly this night that it was indeed God. All things happen for a reason. Perhaps if it never occur to me about my baby, I might never have a chance to believe in Christ once again. I didnt stand up when Pastor Kong asked for backsliders to believe in Jesus during the Christmas concert at CH. Deep down in my heart, I have opened up my heart. I didnt stand up not because of shame or guilt, it was because I have Amanda beside me. Since that day, I been praying, praying for miracle. Not only a change in Amelia but also my whole family to believe in Jesus one day.

"God will make a way when there seems to be no way, this is a cry that is always in me!" His love is unfailing and I knew that he is always out there waiting since the day I left church. I am blessed because God is not too hard on me compared to other more devastating cases out there and also I have an understanding and responsible hubby!

Praise the lord! Hallelujah!