Tired! Tired! Tired!

Lots of backlogs to blog! But I decided not to backlog to the older posts as in the actual mth.. Which means I will try to do a backlog backdating to the actual day I post my blog. Sigh! Think I am really tired and dunno what I'm rattling about.

Nam went away to Thailand again since Wed night. This is the 4Th nite. The reason why I didn't bother to update while he's away because I was sick since the day he left on Wed. I was down with vomiting. Didn't know that Jiejie was down with diarrhoea until the night I was down with vomiting. Dunno if it was the virus in the air from Meimei's birthday party. Well thank God I recovered and at least I still have a helper whom can help me take care of Meimei for consecutive of 3 nights.

I brought Jiejie to ballet class this afternoon and we stayed out the whole day with her ballet friend & mum; Rachel. She is a sweet girl and has a really easy going mummy and caring daddy. We stayed out shopping and bought the girls 2 sets of clothings for CNY. Hopefully I can stay steadfast and not waste money buying so much clothings anymore.

The poor Meimei napped hardly 30mins in my arms and hopefully she can have a good night sleep tonight. I'm too tired to do anything or even to think. I knew that I need to get a lot of things done by next week.

1. Reallocate and balance the 2 girls savings

2. Plan Meimei's & Jiejie daily activities

3. Plan Family Menu

4. Finish another 2 pages of scrap by End October

Hubby's Birthday

Felt so guilty. Didnt even bought hubby a cake.

We went for lunch buffet at Trader's hotel. It has been ages when we last ate buffet. It was international cusine. Not too bad afterall. We couldnt eat a lot. The only thing I made for his birthday is the handmade Photoframe. I'm quite pleased with it. It may not be the best but I put in efforts to make it my best. Should upload the photos of the photoframe.

We shop around town and I bought a red bag for myself. Wanted to buy him something but he keeps insisting me not to. We went home after for dinner.

After dinner, we went to Chinese garden as promised to Dada. Interesting as it sounds? Underwater world theme. Kinda of. Time flies, the last time we went to Chinese Garden for Mooncake festival celebration. Amanda was only 1.5years old. Now she is 4.5years!

Check the photos out in the next post!

Hubby's Birthday & Visit to the Chinese Garden

Think this is the only year that we decided to spend half a day without the kids or rather without Enen. Since the day we had enen, we never had a day of birthday celebration without her. This year is the first time we celebrate with Meimei but we still think the both of us should have some quality time together.

Didn't do anything really fantastic together. All we had was only lunch buffet at traders hotel and we went shopping round town. He didnt buy anything and the only thing I got was a red bag! Dunno why I thought of buying a red bag but I knew it was really a splurge! Will never buy anything from GG5 anymore. It was really splurge. We left town unfruitfully. Went to a few car showrooms and ended home for dinner with the kids.

Thank God Meimei did take a later nap so we headed for Chinese garden for the lantern festival. Not too bad experience but sad to say we didn't have anybody who actaully knows how to take photos and at the end of the day; we didn't get to have any nice family photos. Sob sob sob! Should have brought the more pro camera! Lesson learnt! Cannot turn back the clock!

How I wish that the disney characters can return again for the Chinese gardens. Haven't went since Enen was hardly 1 year old. The disney characters were worth paying for but not the other themes. Wish that there are more exciting and more interesting places to visit in Singapore. So boring country! Dunno why the tourists would choose to visit SIngapore! Looking at the photos also make me upset bcos the family photos taken by strangers really didn't make it!

That is how we celebrated Hubby birthday with Meimei for the very first time!

Starry Starry Night(Backdated to 22 Sep)

3 days more before the actual day to Lantern festival. I have decided to sign up some activities for the kids to make this day more memorable. Paid for the 2 nephews to join as well.

When we arrived there, there was a little bit of delay. As planned, Da queued for some face painting. As the theme was Starry Starry Nite by Safra, I decided for a star for her. The result was not as pretty as expected. As per request, this young lady has to outline the yellow star to make it look more prominant and outstanding.

It was kinda of packed fun for the kids. The story telling and the art& crafts session. I love most personally is the sugar art. Flicking some food coloring into the packs of sugar and pour them all into the little plastic jar. Looks a little sand art from afar.

Story about Chang Er

The last session is games. I discovered that Da dun really like loud games that involve cheering and aggressiveness. Is it bcos she is not ready or she is just a different child? One day I know for sure is dun push her if she is unhappy. Overall she didn't really enjoy the games.

I'm proud that she is independent and good flairs on art & craft. She completed an excellence lantern. The boys enjoyed a great deal. I thought this is the best that me as a GuGu can do. I feel quite sad that their dad can't do anything for them. I always hope that I can do whatever I could while I can. I cannot be their parents to give them the parental involvement but I wish that I still can go out with them if time and they allow.

The only kid on the block whom enjoy the least is Amelia. She doesn't know what is happening at all. She was battling to sleep outside despite of all the tiredness. We reached home almost 11pm.

Conversation with Amanda

Mummy: Amanda look at the crescent up in the sky? Look at the only shiny star up there?

Amanda : Where? Where Mummy?

Mummy: Look, Look, Da

Amanda: Oh yes Mummy I saw. Sometimes the moon is round sometimes it is crescent right? Why only that star is shining bright?

Sometimes, I really love when she is so innocent and sweet. I love holding her little hands tight while we are walking together on the way home. How can I miss this moment of her growing up??

Every night when she sleeps with me, I will kiss her on her cheeks. I really love her when she doesn't kick a fuss despite that I carry her to her potty late in the night before I go to bed. She would smile at me all the time.

Everytime when she smiles, she melts my heart. I just pray each day that God can teach me to love the girls unconditionally like how Jesus loves us! I'm really gulity when I don't have the patience for the 2 girls.

It is always until when all is alseep, I will learn to reflect on myself as a Mother and a wife.

Amanda sweet-talks me!

Da was so sweet. As usual, I will lay down beside her in bed. Nowadays that she is older, she takes much longer time to fall asleep. She will try to talk and talk and rattle til I will lose my temper. I think I should cherish these moments until she is older and she will no longer need me to lie down besides her.

Amanda says that I am beri cute! Then I ask her what is cute? She simply says Cute is cute loh! Heehee! Adorable isnt she? Kids are so ignorant and pure!

Amanda has patience for Jigsaw puzzle Finally

To some mummies, it is just a normal milestone. For me this is kinda of breakthrough because she is never patient and can't sit longer to form something. I was overwhelmed that she can form these smaller pieces at a very short period of time. She made the pieces once with help and the second time she did it all alone. The third time, she lost her patience and throw tantrums after.

Tried buying her Lego Mosaics but she did not have the determination. Sometimes when I think back, was it me who ruin it? When she was two, I always have little patience doing art and craft with her. It is either she spills the paint or she drew the table. I wasn't patient to encourage her or cheer her on. It seems that now she is so discouraged when she fail in the slightest thing and she is so fearful that she will get scolded. Was it me? I kept asking myself. Now I always tell her that it is perfectly fine when things dun turn beautiful as much as long as u knew that you have tried your best. I dunno if she really understood what I mean. The only thing that I feel fortunate about is that I am there for her day and night, rain or shine.

Anyway, Dada, Good Job! Good effort!

AllergyTest for Amelia

After sending 姐姐 to school today. Dear sent me to NUH for an allergy test for 妹妹. We reached there before 12pm as intended. There wasn't crowd at the Allergy room but still some amount of waiting because of the person in charge not around.

After waiting for about 15mins, the lady came. She drew lines on 妹妹's left hand. She dropped a single drop from each bottle on each indicated lines she drew. Each bottle seems to represent each item of the teset. Soy, Milk protein, Cat dung test, dustmites test. Frankly I regreted to take this silly test. It was all my silliness not to check other hospital if they conduct the same test there. I don't understand why the cat dung and dustmite test. She don't touch cats and why the dung? She took out a little needle to prick on each line that she dropped the solution. Luckily 妹妹 stayed calm and didn't make a hooha...Remembered that they didn't test for fish. Added another item on the test. SIgh! After waiting for 15mins, the verdict was out! Gosh! She is no allerged to anything at all. Well! Guess we have to go check how we go about making this little girl sleep better! Before we always question if it is all the food she eats that causes the irritation. Now what??? I got no idea... Baby Amelia! Baby baby! You really make mummy helpless...

Went to Imm after to buy stuff for 妹妹's 1st year birthday party this month end. Found something that I love actually for the girls to put the sweet goodies instead of the same old plastic bags that are used all the time. Hard to get anything for boys. Tough... At the end, just got something not fantastic. Keep this in suspense... Anyway haven't got the time to snap it yet.

Dinner with Alison or Feelings??

Excited to meet Alison for a short dinner. Appointment was changed to 7pm instead of the planned 6pm.

She was waiting for me at the void deck with Amanda. She is 8months into her pregnancy now and I'm really happy to see another close friend of mine, preggie. Despite that we hardly meet up, I'm still the same chatterbox. Now we have more topics because I know I won't bore her. I feel closer to her compared to before.

I'm usually the more cautious type of person. Sometimes over cautious that made me so miserable watching my words and other people's feelings and blab blab blab. Through these years as a SA HM, I feel I changed a lot. Changed in a different perspective. I feel that it is good in a certain sense. I learnt to set my priorities for my own family and my 2 princesses. I learned not to be over-sensitive and set my own principles.

Recently I started on a new book; Bad Childhood, Good Life. I'm about 2 chapters through. The revelation is that we can choose to be conquerors to our bad childhood or victims. My childhood is not as drastic compared to some but I would say it has somehow traumatized me to shape my personality. Those whom know me would have heard my stories. Til today, I still have stories about my family members but they have little impact on my life now because I live the way I wanted it to be. I didn't read this book before to jump out of the family situation. It's my marriage.

I was too sick, too tired to live with a dad who doesn't care about the family, a younger brother whom always create problems for others to solve and a mother whom likes to point her finger over my brother's wrong doings. I decided to get married; earlier than many of my closer friends.

I was blessed. Blessed to be led by the right group of friends during school days and blessed to have Jesus Christ whom stand steadfast during my younger days. I was a timid girl and always fearful to even stand up for my own rights when I was younger. It was Jesus Christ who gave me strength to pull through. I remembered vividly when nobody is at home for my bro and me. Whenever I was lonely and scared, I will hide under my blanket and cry.

My childhood shapes my perspective as a mother. I really don't wish my girls to have the same experience. I want them to be closely kneaded as a family and close to my heart always; til my last breath. I am always envious whenever I hear or see people with their happy family. Within me I know this is not a gift, it is all earned. I choose to get married and have my own family. I should always be contented with what I have. I would not do anything to jeopardise my family happiness and marriage. This man may not be the dream man of my life. But I deeply know that he is a good and responsible daddy for the girls. He cares to give them the best he can. Sounds materialistic but I know deep within that this is something that my own daddy cannot provides that leaves my mum and the family unhappy and fighting even til today. Nothing seems to bring this family back ever again. I feel the bitterness and the tears welled in my eyes when I say this. Nobody seems to care about anybody and everyone in the family seems to only care about themselves. This is something I pray with all my might and strength that this WOULD NEVER HAPPEN to my girls. I always tell Amanda that she may only have one sibling in her this life and she must love her sister. It may sounds too early to teach about Blood is thicker than water but I want to make her remember the day she lives. SIGH! What am I doing then? Why am I not helping my younger brother when he needs monetary support all the time? How can I help all the time I ask myself? Gave him $450 for his audacious 2ND remarry ROM only 2 weeks ago and he can still sms Nam for money again today. How to help??? How to tell my girls to stay kneaded when I dun help him when he needed help??? I really hope that this book I'm reading can enlighten me somehow.

I can only praise God that I can still meet this responsible man whom gives me the "luxury" to stay home. Frankly it is not that I'm lazy to work or I can't earn. It is because of my childhood that determined my decision staying home since 3 June 2005. I really don't want my girls to grow up without feeling complete or spiritual developed. I want to teach them the values of life that I hold steadfast and the principles that I held tight. I would do every way to hold this family closely kneaded. The more pressure I give to myself, the more stressed I become.

Whatever it is, I'm really thankful that He is a very kind hearted, responsible and easy-going and good tempered guy til today. He is the one who never fears despite of all the family problems I have. He never complains and never compares. Many of the times I think he just doesn't care or he has no benchmark for his expectations. But have I really appreciated that this is his strength? Is this why the marriage can last til today despite of my bad temper and bad childhood? Can this marriage still remains if this is another man?? I really got no idea... I only know that we must NEVER, NEVER TAKE anything for granted. Treasure everything slightest~! I'm reminding myself too each day! I think I really have to make this family strong. First and foremost, this marriage- the pillar to the family. I can't do this alone all the time. I hope that if my dh ever reads my blog. Please try to understand that this can never never be held alone.

SO much of digressing, I saw Alison who is 8mths into her pregnancy. She still looks like before on her face. Put abit of weight but I think she will not put on too much at the end of her pregnancy. Regretfully didn't take a photo together with her. Very glad to meet her, appreciated that she travelled to Jurong East to meet me. Guess it might be tougher once she have kids next time. I will try my best to keep in touch with friends. But sometimes it is very tough to meet up with friends after their work because my Amanda don't seem to be able to part with me at all. Sigh! Good or bad? I should treasure because she may outgrow this one day. Bad because I lost my freedom to meet with friends whom dun need my dd's presence. Amanda seems to enjoy the dinner with Alison.

Ally, let's keep in touch always. Hope that I can arrange for another with Elaine before Ally goes into delivery.

Amanda can match words to the animals card

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

This evening, Amanda took out the animals matching cards to play. These days she learns to play independently and I realised that she is not that lousy academically afterall.

She can actaully match the words that are apart from the picture cards. Eg. She is able to place the little word piece that says"Lion" to the lion picture. The picture is cartoonised type. I was so surprised. Then I ask her, oh you know how to read the words? Did you learn all the animals words in school? She says no ah. I just know loh!

You should see the delightfulness from my face. The proud mummy. Its good to be happy over little things.

To make her even more proud of herself, I snapped her efforts. She really takes pride! I really think that it is natural that humans enjoy praises.

Amanda spells Egg and learns to spell!

Think she is really trying to learn. Learning at her own pace. Maybe because she is eldest so I am very paranoid about her over the slightest thing.

Months ago, I was really vexed when she doesnt know how to recognise the alphabets. Now she is trying to spell the things she sees. She only complains that she has problem writing small caps. She is able to write the Big caps without looking at the alphabets. There are certain letters that she has problems Q, b, p.... It is either she writes the Q the inverted way or the b as like p.....

Should I wait for herself to figure it out again? I hope that I can note every single and details of my 2 dearest princesses always... I am stressing again???? Hahhaha

Rearranged the things in the house

Got too many things in the house! Clear clear! Throw throw!
The only way is to clear the stuff in the rooms so that there are more space if mummy comes to stay. Looks like she is unlikely to come back again. Sigh!

The bottomline for clearing stuff, things untouched or unneeded for more than 3 months. They can be thrown away. The issue is what if it is needed again?

Forgot to take photos of before and after! At least the rooms looked more spacious now!

Amelia calls MaMa

Amelia is 11months plus and she is finally calling me liao. She murmurs Mama! Mama! Hopefully she knows who is Mama still of the sounding!

Visit to Open house at the Civil defence force, Queenstown

Saw the notice for the open house visit and decided to bring the 2 nephews and also my 2 girls to the fire station.

Also asked Jeanie, my friend to join us there. She was there earlier and the 2 families had great fun!

Taught Amanda to make butterfly fly!

Borrowed a book from the library about Making Games for kids.


Taught that this is somthing simple to start her 1st day to her 1 week Sep holidays. I was as excited as Amanda. I took a paper to sketch the butterly template given. It was quite pretty. Amanda wanted 3. I drew 3 and asked her to cut after tracing it on the cardstock. She was cranky. Dunno the real reason, I was just too impatient with her. Didnt wait for her to finish tracing; I ask her to assist me and at the end she was kinda teary becos I was too harsh with her.

It was always after my act that I was regretful! I pray that I wont shout at her again!

Amanda kisses me at my ears today!

I think there is nothing more fortunate is to remember and see your own lovely kids grow up day by day. It is actaully a pity that I haven't exactly jot down or even remember Amanda's concrete or constructive development milestone. I really pray that this blogspot thing would not fail me as the years go by. I should keep this blog a hard copy set in case one day, my mind and this blog is failing me!

We went Ah mah home today. They just returned from HK and they came back full luagge of stuff for my 2 dearies. Amanda is so happy with the little kitty MTR that Gugu bought. It is silverish looking and think it would be fantastic if it is pink. Maybe MTR can't be pink. Accordingly it was sold by the MTR HK to encourage the trips you take using this transport. Cool! Would try taking pictures of it tomolo.

Amanda couldn't let it go. She is sleeping with it tonite.

I'm sometimes really upset with her but when she throws tantrums and cries as if she is like Amelia. I love it when she is learning to be expressive like me and lovcs me more. She comes near my ears and Mwack me!

That is happy enough to give me sweet dreams for tonite!

Meimei is sleeping with me tonite and I really got to go!

Amelia develops her third tooth, the upper molar

Teething! Teething! Another teething woes or teething chapter??

Really upset sometimes when I think that she is teething. Imagine that she can be so hilarious when teething especially at nite. What the more if she has so many tooths to develop???

Now the little tooth on the upper molar, I had sleepless nights since the slightest sign to emergent!! God help help help!

Should start taking snaps before more comes out.

Amanda's ballet teacher comments

Today is her ballet class. Time flies. She is already almost her 2nd term through for her ballet. Haven't ask her teacher about her progress since the first day she started.

She was commented for her ability to be able to straighten her legs better. Hope that she will be able to move up and her love for ballet will remain when she is older.

I guess we tend to have unfulfilled dreams to build on our kids. I always wanted to learn ballet when I was a little girl. I couldn't because of my mummy's time and finances constraints. I hope that I will not be stressing my girl and forcing her if she is unhappy.

I just want her to enjoy and be happy!

Another Naggy Chapter!

It was not only bad through last night. In fact everynite I was undergoing nitemare!

Nightmares because of my dear dearest Amelia....Since The very day she was born, I didn't have more than 5hrs of sleep averagely everynite. I have tried to rule out all the possiblities why she wasn't sleeping when she was a newborn. I tried my very best!

Initially I thought it was my breast milk that is not sufficient for her. I fed her then with both formula and BM at the same time to keep my sanity. It didn't help. I really swear that I even pushed myself to the very edge to feed her to the last drop of my breastmilk during the first 9 weeks of her birth. I remembered vividly talking to a close friend about my struggles feeding her with breastmilk after my first 4 weeks of milk flow. Something that she said that pierced me deeply into my innermost was that she mentioned that "I asked for it!" to undergo this stress in breastfeeding. It was really hurting but it was kinda true. I was steadfast about the belief in breastfeeding even until today. My elder Amanda was into half formula n half BF. Now that she is 4.5years soon, I realised that she is very weak in her immunity and it seems that she can't take cold drinks and other sweet stuff very well because she will be very phlegmy and coughing. She seems to catch the virus from school despite that it is a non-aircon environment. Frankly I dunno if it was the main reason that I gave up feeding Amanda with BM after 4 weeks. After all the discouragements from my own mum and MIL.

I'm not blaming anybody but it was really regretful that I can't give enough. Stress is the word. Many people thought that it is every mum's dream to STAY HOME. For me, I don't regret my choice but I always think deep within if I can perform better with a different career or a different direction in this life. Because of the nitty thoughts that I have as a Mother, Wife, Daughter and a DIL makes this blog my different chapters in my life. It maybe naggy or boring to others but I hope that even when I am old and alive; I can still look back on this diary and see how much my family and I have moved or grown through these years of life.

I can only conclude that in life everything comes with a timing and a decision. I don't look back on my decision to wean Amelia of the BM because I knew it was also the best for her because she was really clingy then. I was full of stress and unhappiness during my first month of my confinement and I can sense her crankiness from my BM too. If I had a good helper and also someone to cook well for me during the critical period; I knew that I could tide it over well. Things weren't right and the timing was really bad. My helper left me after about 2 mths and I asked her to leave after 10days of my confinement. God knows that my MIL walked out of me after the 14th day. Frankly the scene of her leaving still stays strong in my memory! I wasn't upset about the absence of the helper. It was really my MIL that breaks my heart til the very beat! My mil left because she couldn't take it that I did all the household chores myself and even cook my hubby and my Amanda dinner. She can't wait to leave every evening. She really irks me. I dun understand why I still can put on a front with my hubby's family even until today. Is it because of myself or because I dun wan to put my Dh on a spot. I couldn't find an answer even until today. If I could find myself a good helper like the present one or at least a confinement lady; I wouldn't give up my breastfeeding or even give up the idea on child birth.

It wasn't because of the fear of having a difficult pregnancy or birth or even a difficult baby; it was all because of the inlaws. I can't swallow the anger and the grievances that I have even until today. I knew deep within that it was not healthy or all, but I guess only God can help me to cleanse this hatred temple of mine.

I really pray tonight that Amelia will be calm and sleeping! I dread, dread very much to hear her cry and cry unsettling each night! I am fearful to even get into sleep each night.... : -(

"Dear God, can you please take away all the evil spirits or bad dreams that my baby Amelia has and I only ask for good sleep each night. Jesus please take pity that she is only a little and innocert baby. Please enlighten me on her discomforts!" Amen.

My Scrapbook fever is back!

Oops I'm down and up again. Blog is somehow gone but now I'm up with my scrapbooking.

Hope that I can have a breakthrough and upload more this year!

My resolution for this last quarter of the year is to finish all photos up to date!